I Got a Stage Five Clinger.

The monster next door.

Have you ever met someone new to whom you bestow your kindness upon, the only reason being because you are a nice person, only to find out that he/she is a Stage Five Clinger (SFC)? Creepiness in the form of a SFC found its way to me this past year. However, there always is a silver-lining to each clingy cloud, mine being a topic to post about today.

Scene: You meet a new person. Through a friend, in a line, at a bar, through a social networking website. whatever.You and the new acquaintance start a convo of small talk. Or maybe even big talk. Either way, you are chatting. You had a pleasant-enough conversation and all parties involved had a good time , but, much like a one-night stand, you don’t really plan on keeping a close relationship. Maybe a bootycall in the form of a “Hey! How are you? So good to see you! Bye!” when running into them again, but nothing much more involved than that.

Or maybe you actually do befriend the person, offer them a spot as your roommate, and then offer them a little place in your heart and perform acts of charity for them, such as, but not limited to: cooking meals for them, giving them a make over, gift giving, and/ or begging their boyfriend (or girlfriend, this is hypothetical after all) to not break up with them the week of their birthday.

However, unbeknown to you, you are dealing with a SFC. The rules have changed. In fact, there are no rules. No boundaries. No privacy. You have just entered the realm of a SFC. There is no turning back now, at least not without all the emotional-abuse ammunition you possess.

In hopes that you can identify someone with SFC, here are a list of symptoms:

They text you even when you don’t respond. And text you again. And again. And again. And again….

They casually bring up your party, dinner date, family reunion, honeymoon, etc. in hopes that they will be invited. If not, they invite themselves.

They copy every stupid thing you say, even when you say something stupid on purpose just to see if they are copying you.

They befriend all of your friends, before you introduce them.

They agree with everything you say. All. The. Time.

They hack into your e-mail, facebook, myspace, twitter, etc. And then yell at you about what they find.

You see the exact same monkey poster hanging on their wall that you bought a week ago.

Theses characteristics and more are a range of symptoms suffered by all SFC victims. If you see any of these symptoms, or suspect a person to have SFC, STAY AWAY AT ALL COSTS.

Otherwise, you may end up with the worst frenemy you will ever have to encounter. Their annoying habits of copying you and following you around like a lap dog will turn into resentment and habits of scheming to ruin your birthday, holiday, anniversary, and life. Of course they will be nice to your face for the time being, even though you have a sneaking suspicion soemthing just doesn’t measure up. Then when you confront them on it, they put the blame and frustration of not having thier own sense-of -self on you. Heck, they may even accuse YOU of being “fake” in order to make themselves feel more original, cool, indiviual, popular, whatever.

But now that you are aware of the traits possessed by SFC, you can lead a happy and normal life free of those with SFC, not one made so twisted and demented by a SFC that you are pissed off every day of your life. Like mine.

Thank you and have a good day.